Everyone says with your second pregnancy you sometimes even forget that you are pregnant because you are chasing the other kid around. I don't think I have forgotten this pregnancy for more than about 5 minutes. After counting down weeks to get through all the critical steps, I then moved on to counting up the weeks and even days that they were just getting stronger and bigger. Well, now we have reached a stage that I honestly have not prepared for... the final count down. In ten days I will enter the hospital at six a.m. and prepare to have these babies. It is all strange to me this planning process. I know it sounds bad, but in my head I say to myself that I'm going to the hospital to have these babies cut out of me. I didn't think the whole c-section thing really bothered me, but as it turns out I'm not that thrilled about it. I know it is absolutely the safest thing for these babies (which is why I will still do it), I know that women do it everyday, and I know that no matter how these babies enter the world they are still my little bundles of joy. Another birth story involving twenty-four hours of labor does not sound that great to me either, but I just wonder how I will feel during/after the whole thing. The first time around I didn't see having Tristan naturally as some bonding experience or wonderful process, but now knowing I won't go through it has me nervous. I'm going to walk into the hospital feeling fine, get prepped for surgery, lay down and allow a doctor to cut me open and pull my babies out. Then my precious little babies that I have carried and thought about every minute of the last eight months will be rolled away while I lay there alone and start the recovery process. What is that going to be like? Will they be able to hang out with me in my room at all or will I have to "visit" them in the NICU with little privacy to just be with them. I keep reminding myself that it's short term, but I really enjoyed those first few days with Tristan just chilling in my room and getting to know each other. What a different experience this is going to be. Well, I have ten days to suck it up, learn to cope, and face this thing head on! I know I can do, I am strong, and I'm not afraid to cry if I need to.
I don't know what I would do if my mom was not going to be here with Tristan? I have never spent a night away from the little guy, but knowing that my mom will be here to care for him and play with him will give me the peace of mind to help me start to heal and to start taking care of my new little babies. Let's see what the next few weeks bring with it... joy, tears, depression, happiness, smiles? Well, the one thing I do know for sure is that there will be lots of love surrounding every step on the way.
